now all I have left is a waitlist, by my suppposed safety school. ahhh the ironies of life. It's like when you tell yourself long enough what you could possibly happen you start to believe in it. It swells and swells till suddenly it bursts and suddenly just crashes into flames. Now, its snap back to reality. The metaphoric cold water is fucking freezing and I'm at a lost. I sound so obnoxious and egoistic and self elitist but in my whole life I have never experienced the feeling of having failed to get what I wanted and despite a lifetime of hardwork, I am going to be consigned to fucking mediocrity and it really is so unfair. Justin and Shawn, 2 people who I think are brilliant both didnt get jack shit. so really who am i to judge myself against them.

I am now at a lost as to what to do next cause I really do not think I can put myself through the emotional trauma of applying to the schools all over again. I really think whats the point becuase in the current economic turmoil much of my parent's slush fund for me has been wiped out. I can't afford it and no scholarship would want my lack of perfect scores. It is perhaps just as well.
Who am I kidding, bright lights, alcohol and smoke does not fill this void. We're empty.
I used to write in my cadet days (read "forced") but now when I look at it my life was really a surreal experience back then. Now, I deal with politics and staff work more than running through the jungle and I do admit I kinda miss the days. I saw my fear when I just started to the pride and passion that I now have for the defence of Singapore. Sigh.